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17 June 2011 @ 12:32 am

In a word: AMAZING.

The tickets were pricey ($18) but in my opinion well worth it. I had a great time.

I had never seen the musical and was only familiar with two songs that Barbara Streisand sang on her Broadway album.

The show itself was funny, clever, poignant and powerful.

I was crying at the end of "Being Alive" which Neil Patrick Harris belted out...truly breathtaking and emotionally exhilarating. I enjoyed the entire show from beginning to end. I can't even think of something that I disliked from the show.

Christina Hendricks is a Goddess and exudes sex. Neil (did he wax his chest?) was a perfect Robert...floating on the surface of life...but experiencing a cognitive dissonance...he wants to dive deeper but is afraid to and doesn't seem to know why he wants to have more meaningful relationships.

The show spoke to me personally because I'm going on to my second year of marriage...and it has been a tough haul so far. The lyrics and dialogue had a deeper meaning for me because it put to words feelings I've had for a long time. And when Robert finally comes to the realization that he wants a meaningful, difficult but at the same time wonderful intimacy that marriage affords...well, it just spoke to me on a very spiritual level.

The show was cast to perfections. Stephen Colbert was a delight to behold. I cannot say enough about NPH and his talent and power. His voice is just a wonderful concoction of youth and bravado. He belts out the notes with such passion. Seeing his eyes tear up during "Being Alive" was moving. The inside joke when a male character asks NPH's "Robert" whether he was interested in engaging in a homosexual affair resulted in far too many giggle-snorts from yours truly. His sly, patient prowl for Christina's character, April, and his subtle brow raises and smirks...they were well timed and thoughtful, genuine.

I'm going on iTunes and buying Company to listen to. I pray that it will be distributed on DVD so that I can order it right away.

What a wonderful night. If it wasn't for my fandom of NPH and HIMYM I would have likely missed out on this...and I'm so thankful that I didn't.

15 June 2011 @ 11:01 pm
So, when do I finally feel comfortable in my own skin? When do I feel confident? When do I not care about what other people think of me? When do I know that I'm a good person? When do I get to say, "I'm okay the way I am"? When do I feel whole? When does the emptiness go away? When do I feel important? When do I feel okay with not being important? When do I feel like I haven't lost opportunities? When do I stop coveting? When do I stop feeling both immensely happy for people who have achieved their goals and insanely jealous? When do I feel like I'm not wasting my life? When do I stop feeling like a disappointment? When do I feel okay with not being in control? When do I stop feeling ashamed? When do I feel fulfilled? When? WHEN? WHEN?

I just feel like...my dreams are dieing around me...dreams I never even knew I had until now...that my world of possibilities becomes less and less and that all I have will be my computer, my little obsessions and my man-child husband.

I wish it would all stop and I could just be happy.
12 June 2011 @ 12:31 pm

Day 28 - A photo of anything.

That's my hedgehog, Doozer, sharing a meal with my cat Lilu. This was taken several years ago and Doozer has since past away.

Day 29 - A live performance youtube video.

I love this song...and I love NPH.

Day 30 - What your last dream you can remember, was about.

Honestly, my dreams lately have been extremely hodge-podgy...nothing linear enough to describe. However, let me tell you about a dream that made me laugh so much I woke myself up.

So, in the dream...I walk up to a cabinet and open it and there is a bottle of ketchup, a bottle of mustard and a bottle vinegar.

The ketchup says, "Hi! I'm ketchup!"

The mustard says, "Hi! I'm mustard!"

The vinegar says, 'Fuck you!"

I say, "Oh, Vinegar...you're so bitter."

I literally started laughing so hard I woke myself up and subsequently my husband.


Another favorite dream of mine...I was at a fair in England...and Pulp was performing. I missed the performance but somehow I was being lead backstage. I was escorted to a dressing room and when I opened the door, Jarvis Cocker was sitting there. He and I started chatting about various things, tattoos, gin, and we started to play a game of cards. Then we had a cup of tea. I told him how much I loved his music and how he is a great singer. Then he had to go because he was so exhausted. It was lovely having tea with Jarvis.


Because I'm having a celebrity crush phase right now...I've been having several dreams with celebrities in them. I had a dream last night with Joel McHale...I remember trying to wake him up and then we just sat in bed and sort of cuddled and talked about this and that...

I had a dream the other night with NPH in which we went shopping then had a slumber party in a really modern, chic hotel room.

I had a dream where Tom Hardy was my next door neighbor...and when some assholes in the neighborhood were slashing my tires, I asked him to help me out because I was alone and afraid. He unfortunately did nothing and simply walked away from me.

I had a dream awhile ago where Robert Downy Jr. and I were at a big Las Vegas casino/mall and we went shopping then had drinks at a bar. I expressed my concern that he was drinking and ruining his sobriety.

A long time ago, I had a dream where I was in a hotel room and there was one of those doors that connects to the room next door. I opened it and there was Dave Matthews and his pregnant wife. I offered Dave Matthews a joint and we ended up getting stoned together. His wife explained they needed to get to the airport and their limo was late so I drove them to the airport.

One of my favorite dreams is when my best-friend, Stephi, and I went to a live performance by John Cusack...it was in a library and the audience was seated on the floor in the aisles of books. Stephi and I watched the performance and I think we were sipping on a flask and just having a great time. Then I made eye contact with John Cusack and smiled and he smiled back. After the performance, Stephi and I are heading to the parking lot to drive to a bar for cocktails when John Cusack shows up and asks if he can join us. And of course we said yes.


And thus concludes my 30 day randomness challenge.

09 June 2011 @ 08:19 pm

Day 25 - List the people you have slept with by their initials.

Well, this is easier said than done...because I've had quite a few partners and I've done some drugs so...I might not remember everyone...but hell, I'll give it a try...These are people I've had intercourse with:

JM - lost virginity to

MH- I took his virginity





JM - probably one of the worst lays ever. The guy was TERRIBLE.

SB - I was 21 he was 37...my first May/December relationship

TS - One of the great lovers of my life. He taught me a lot.

DA - I can't say we actually had sex because he went all floppy on me...I was convinced he was gay.

RM - Another terrible lay.

SB & JC - Yes, it was a threesome...and it was amazing and lovely.

? - I think his last name was Smuckers...or something like that. He was a one night stand I had in Vegas.

CS - Built like a linebacker...into freaky shit...

DZ - he was my high school teacher...years later we had horrible sex.

BM - met during speed dating...we fooled around

CS - his nickname was "swamp dick"

SC - I loved him very much...I wanted to marry him

DM - ex-marine, super conservative, freak in the bed

AH - I attempted to be in a polyamorous relationship...it didn't work

DR - Married man

?? - Got drunk fucked some guy I met online...big mistake

JR - Dated him for 2 weeks...it was lame

Buzz - I honestly can't remember his last name...funny little guy but fun.

SD - My husband

I think that is everyone but I probably forgot someone...25 people...that's sort of impressive...(shrugs) honestly, I don't regret like 90% of those people. :)

Day 26 - A celebrity you don’t like, and why.

Oh man...I hate that ex-supermodel chick...who was a judge on America's Next Top Model: Janice Dickinson. I can't tolerate her...she's a wreck and hateful.

Day 27 - The song(s) you want played at your funeral.

Hmmmm...I love classical music...something classy. I really don't care...I'm dead after all. I'll leave it up to Sam...

06 June 2011 @ 01:42 am

Day 23 - The next plan you have coming up that you’re really excited for.

Well, I'm really looking forward to going to California in the fall to visit my best-friend, Stephi and my other best-friends: Michelle, Chelsea and Effie. I will also get to see my father, mother and uncle. I plan on flying into Northern California and rent a car then drive to Chico and spend time with Stephi, then drive to Bakersfield and spend time with my peeps there...then drive to Los Angeles and see Effie and my dad.

More recent plans: The weekend of the 18th, my husband and I are taking a car trip to Fairbanks, AK (takes about 6 to 8 hours from Anchorage depending on road conditions). We will camp on the way there, then spend Solstice (longest day of the year) in Fairbanks enjoying the festivities...then driving back on the 20th. I love camping and spending time with Sam. Plus, Alaska is amazingly beautiful I mean, really gorgeous...

Day 24 - The last photo taken of you and someone else.

I'm the one in red.

03 June 2011 @ 10:23 pm

Day 19 - A picture of your handwriting.

Day 20 - Favourite smell.

I have two favorite smells:

Fresh Baked Bread


I know this makes me really weird.

Day 21 - Another celebrity you’d like in your bed.

Of course...Johnny Galecki:

Day 22 - Song lyrics you can really relate to at the moment.

"Dishes" by Pulp

I am not Jesus though I have the same initials -
I am the man who stays home and does the dishes.
And how was your day?
Is that woman still trying to do your head in?
A man told me to beware of 33.
He said,
"It was not an easy time for me"
but I'll get trhough
even though I've got no miracles to show you.

I'd like to make this water wine
but it's impossible.
I've got to get these dishes dry.

I'll read a story if it helps you sleep at night.
I've got some matches if you ever need a light.
Oh I am just a man
but i'm doing what I can to help you.

I'd like to make this water wine
but it's impossible.
I've got to get these dishes dry.

And I'm not worried that I will never touch the stars
cos stars belong up in heaven
and the earth is where we are.
Oh yeah.
And aren't you happy just to be alive?
Anything's possible.
You've got no Cross to bear tonight.
No not tonight.
No not tonight.
I am not Jesus though I have the same initials.

30 May 2011 @ 01:35 pm
Day 14 - A letter to someone. Anyone.

While it has been over a decade, I always feel your presence and lack of presence in my life. I see you in the faces of the little boys I work with...I remember playing with you, talking with you, scheming with you. Most of the time, these memories fill me with joy. Every once in awhile, I feel sorry for myself because I miss you, because I had something taken from me, because I wonder what life would be like if you were here. However, this is self-pitying and ungrateful for the wonderful life I have now. I understand that your story was only 14 chapters long. It had a beginning, middle and end. I choose not to feel angry that the universe wrote such a short story for you, while my story goes on for many more chapters. I choose to feel grateful that I was lucky enough to be there for all 14 chapters. That I was able to hug you the day you left us. That because you left, my life took a trajectory that has sent me to a wonderful place, to a wonderful husband, to a wonderful career. But, forever, there will be someone missing from my story, a hole in my heart that will never be filled but I will learn to live with and live around it. All the hugs...all the sisterly support I have to give, I bestow on the young people I work with. They are my sisters and brothers, too. Nothing goes to waste...nothing is wasted...everything is exactly as the universe meant it to be.

I love you so much, Ryan. I love you everyday. You are with me like my heartbeat. Sometimes, I'm not really aware of my heartbeat...but sometimes, I do notice and I am so grateful.

Always your big sister,


Day 15 - Something you regret.

The one event or choice I made in life that I truly regret was losing my virginity to the guy I lost it to and when I chose to give it up. I won't go into dirty details, but I was a very sad young woman who wanted so much to believe in magic and fairytails and innocent love. I wanted to believe in all sorts of childish things because I had gone through a tragedy and was grasping so hard to find something good in my life. I basically bought into a delusion and engaged in self-destruction. The night I lost my virginity I realized that I had closed a door that could not be opened again. That I gave my virginity away to someone who was not in love with me, that I did not love and that I would not marry or even be a friend with. It was a huge mistake. He was a jerk, a thug and a moron. He was lieing to me the whole time. I should have known better, he was clearly running with a sketchy crowd (his best-friend had just gotten out of juvi). I was a poodle hanging out with wolves. It is over...and I don't regret any of the sex and relationships I've had since. Sex was a way for me to connect with people and for that I am grateful. I had some wonderful experiences having sex and being close to people. I don't regret sex...I just wish I had waited for someone else to lose my virginity to...someone who could have valued it more.

Day 16 - A list of songs that make you emotional.

Wow, that is a tall order...

I have an easier time listing albums that make me emotional...that I have actual emotional responses to...

"Live at Luther College" with Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds

When I listen to this album, I remember a guy I was dating (who was a crazy man but fun), I remember the smell of his bedroom...I remember the theater I was working at, the hours spent online, the friends I had...I was into Dave Matthews Band the months before I moved to Alaska and once I got here, my obsession stopped cold-turkey. But, I remember the feelings I had around that time...excited and expectant.

"More Adventurous" by Rilo Kiley.

I listen to this album multiples times a week. So many songs speak to my soul..."Does He Love You?" really speaks to me...the sadness of her voice, the feelings of regret of not being loved the way she wants to be loved. I don't know...I've shed a tear to this song on more than one occasion. I've loved someone who loved someone else and it sucks.

"Louder than Bombs" by The Smiths.

Man, the Smiths have been in my life longer than any other group except maybe Billy Idol. I remember very distinctly when I was introduced to the Smiths. I was junior high, maybe the 7th Grade. I was in a junior theater production of "The Little Mermaid" and it was one of the most exciting things to happen to me. I had a HUGE crush on this guy named Ben, and he gave me a tape of The Smiths. I wanted so much to seem older and worldly to him. I started listening to the Smiths and holy-moly I was in LOVE with them. While I didn't always understand the lyrics, something spoke to me. "Girlfriend in a Corner" and "Shoplifters of the World" are still favorites. Every time I listen to this album I am blown away. I don't know what happened to Ben...but I am so happy he introduced me to the Smiths.

"Different Class" "This is Hardcore" "His 'n Hers" by Pulp.

Out of these three albums, Different Class is by far my favorite and the most influential. When I was a sophomore in high school, I was also an anglophile. I bought a British music magazine "Q" from the bookstore and was reading it. I had no idea who 95% of the people in the magazine were. I saw a picture of Jarvis Cocker and was awestruck. He simply was an awesome creature. I read the article and was fascinated by this odd, sexy and sophisticated man. I went to Sam Goody and bought the album and within seconds of playing it...I was in love. I had dreams about this man. I felt the music was brutal, honest, beautiful, cynical, odd and talked about what I knew and what I had yet to learn. That love and life are fucking difficult endeavors filled with compromises of character and selling one-self short...but always, there is love and there is beauty and there is hope...more than anything, never apologize for who you are and what choices you've made because dammit, no one is perfect and our flaws are beautiful.

Other albums worth mentioning but I won't go into detail:

"Maxinquaye" by Tricky

"Leftism" by Leftfield

"Weezer" by Weezer

"Undertow" by Tool

"A Fever You Can't Sweat Out" by !Panic at the Disco

"The Great Escape" by Blur

Day 17 - Favourite youtube channel that you’re subscribed to.

I don't have a channel that I subscribe to. Easy answer there.

Day 18 - The first big purchase you’d make if you won the lottery.

Well, the first big purchase I'd make is a house: Four bedroom, three bathroom, heated garage and deck in the back. Easy answer.

But, I would probably pay off my student loans (which aren't a purchase) first before anything else.

Oh, then I would buy an auto-start for my car....and then plan a trip to Europe.
26 May 2011 @ 12:12 am
Day 11 - Links to all the websites and online profiles you have.

Tumblr: http://flashinthepanobsessions.tumblr.com/
Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/akredhead
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/chelsea.dunham2
Twitter: http://twitter.com/akredhead
Livejournal: http://foreverred.livejournal.com/
Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/akredhead

Day 12 - Someone/something you don't like.

Day 13 - What you want more than anything right now.

Originally I wanted to type "money" because money has been crazy tight for me and Sam.

But really, what I want is to be happy. I can be poor and fat and homeless...but more than anything I want to be HAPPY.
22 May 2011 @ 10:52 am

Day 08 - A photo of someone you fancy at the moment.

My husband, Sam.

Day 09 - A song that has lyrics you’d consider getting tattooed.

Oh man, this is a tough one...hmmm...

I honestly can't think of any...:(

I love music...I love the band Pulp, Dave Matthews Band, Mike Olcott, The CUre, Panic at the Disco, Rilo Kiley...and while I love these bands and the beautiful music they make...I don't think I'd want to tattoo any of their lyrics permanently on my skin. Sorry, but that's just not the type of gal I am.

Day 10 - A photo from the last social event you went to.

That's my best-friend Ashley and a co-worker...FYI this picture was taken at 10pm (night).

20 May 2011 @ 12:47 am
Day 07 - Quote one of the nicest messages you have ever recieved on ask/formspring.

I don’t get a lot of messages in my ask box…but here are two that I appreciated:

“First off, thanks for the follow! Second, your blog is TBBT golden.<3” - paigeylovesyou

”I love you for making this tumblr. :D” - wuvmeteddybear

The first was for my personal tumblr (flashinthepanobsessions) and the second was in regards to my Johnny Galecki tumblr (hellyesjohnnygalecki).