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27 January 2016 @ 11:10 pm
So...I love Sam...let's just get that out of the way. And truly, our marriage is fine. We have a strong foundation of trust and friendship. He is a good man...and excellent father and makes me laugh. I know in my heart, we are meant to be together forever.

That being said...being married to Sam is fucking hard fucking work.

Sam finally got a for reals big-boy full-time job. We've been married for 6+ years and finally...he has a job that is equal to mine. He worked hard to get to this point too...got a master's degree and worked as a substitute till an opening came up and was hired full-time at a middle school. I cannot describe to you the elation and relief when he got the job. Finally, after all these years...I'm not carrying the brunt of the breadwinning. Finally, I can relax a little and think of options. We are double-covered for insurance! That's such a luxury this day and age.

I've always dreamt of having a house-cleaner (Sam and I are slobs) and it might actually happen. We bought new kitchen appliances. We could start doing some serious work upgrading this place so that we could move out and maybe get something bigger...with a yard. I was so proud of him...

But Sam managed to fuck it all up.

I noticed he wasn't really taking the teaching-gig seriously. He was planning the night before. Throwing things together with little regard to standards. He was overwhelmed and overly emotional. He would go through boxes of pens from breaking them dealing with the kids. He wasn't doing well.

I noticed...and so did his boss.

Sam was written up at work...and put on a performance plan. He could lose his job if he doesn't improve. He could get fired. Then everything he worked for....everything I waited for...gone.

When he told me...I was both furious at and sad for Sam. I've been written up and I know how it feels to fuck up and sign a paper that says "you could get fired." Its scary as hell. But I was also mad at Sam for not taking things seriously and being so damned irresponsible. What was he thinking?

I called him out on it. Told him that he was dicking around and only put in 60% when he needed to be doing 100%. I pointed out to him what he had been doing wrong and that now our financial livelihood was on the line.

Then he made some comment like, "Can we stop the 'ragging on Sam' conversation." I told him that he asked for my input and I gave it to him. That he wasn't a victim and I wasn't a bully. I told him if he wanted to stop talking to just say that and not make it out that he's a poor put upon man.

I cried. I cried because I was simply being honest with him. If he knew how much I was holding myself back. If he knew I wanted to scream and cuss and tell him what a fucking lazy fucktard he was...he'd be crushed.

He apologized. We strategized. I would go in on a Saturday and help get his classroom in order (something that should have been done months ago) and I'd help him stay on track.

Since then, its been a team effort. Everyone is helping out in their own way. His father watches Lily so Sam and I can work in the classroom...his mother talks to her teacher friends for advice. I clean and organize...I reassure...I review and coach. I call him on the carpet...I am his executive functioning.

His classroom was disorganized...filthy...full of junk and trash. I was shocked and upset that he'd waited so long. I spent hours on pinterest looking up classroom management strategy, lesson plans, organization for classrooms. I sent them to Sam. I bought him lesson plans so that he wouldn't have to re-invent the wheel. Once a week, I meet him at his classroom and bring dinner. Lily, Sam and I eat in the classroom and while Lily watches videos on my phone we do work on the room. Re-papering his boards, putting up new posters and kids work.

I sit with him on Sunday nights because it keeps him focused. The good news is that I am also able to catch up on work from home. I review the core standards and modules and discuss how to ensure he is meeting the standards. We design lesson plans together. I read his teacher's edition book so that we can discuss it and flush out ideas.

He calls me to tell me he had a stressful interaction with his boss and I have a panic attack. He beats himself up...he has no confidence...he cries.

I finally talk to him about medication for ADHD. He is unmoved.

I finally sit next to him a week later and begin to beg and cry. His pride is not more important than our family. Not more important that our daughter's education. Is it more important that me? Our happiness? Our home?

I cried and cried. I've watched him struggle and dick around and fuck up and throw our shared dreams aside. And finally, he agrees to an assessment but not to medication. It is a small victory.

A few days later I cry again. I beg him please don't screw up...please do a good job...please don't throw this away. He cries too.

It was a terrible week. Lots of anxiety and stress. But never any fighting. I never let my resentment or disappointment show. I just get tired sometimes. I just can't smile and cheer from the sidelines all the time.

I can't be his ego and his executive functioning.

He told me the other day that he thinks he needs to see a counselor. That he thinks thoughts that are dark like maybe we'd be better off without him. I have another panic attack. I barely focus during my sessions with my clients. I just think of Sam and how low its gotten.

We talk. We strategize. We have a plan. He'll call the counselor.

The deadline for his plan of improvement is approaching. His anxiety and terror are running high. I volunteer to clean his room again. I volunteer to review his lesson plans. Can I type something up for him? Can I help more?

He acknowledges that I do 1/3 of his work for him. That he appreciates me.

And I think...I am a good wife.

We have a good marriage. We are a team. I want to be mad at him but we have no time for that. We still laugh and joke. We still say I love you at the end of the calls.

I realize that no matter what happens...I'll still be married to Sam. That whatever happens we'll have to deal with it because we are married...for the rest of our lives we are together. So if he succeeds...we celebrate...if he fails...we pick-up the pieces and create another plan and we move on.

I want to talk to my friends about this but they are busy or single. One friend flat out can't stand Sam and doesn't understand how I'm married to him. Both my parents are divorced and terrible at being married.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I just keep trying to be a good wife.

It's my third full-time job. Worker-Mother-Wife.

I think of calling my mother, a born-again christian, and ask her to pray and light a candle.

Then I decide to pray...to what? I have no idea. To the universe. To the powerful force that brought Sam and I together...the powerful nature that sparked life in my womb and sparked it again. I pray to the power that keeps the little heart of my unborn child beating.

Please...please...let us succeed. Please please...I really want a house-cleaner.

Please...I want to be a good wife.
03 January 2016 @ 10:07 pm
I miss LJ...I miss having a social life on here...I miss writing my heart out...I miss having a place to talk openly.

FB is no alternative to LJ.

Miss you LJ...I'm 37, mother of a 3 year old...professional working mother and wife...

And I pine for the days of reading fanfiction, talking about celebrities and making icons till the wee hours of the morning.

Anyway...hi LJ!
20 September 2012 @ 10:10 pm

I have seven more weeks till my due date...seven more weeks till my whole world turns upside down.

I am huge...like totally boat sized, however, I have gained less than twenty pounds. In fact I lost some weight between my last appointment and today.

If you were wondering...we are having a little girl...her name is Lilly Ryan Dunham.

So far the pregnancy has been uneventful. It's been a pain in the ass but nothing horrible. It is hard to get around only because my pelvis and hips hurt...but that's not unusual.

Sam has been painting the nursery...and my baby shower is in October. I will be taking all three months of maternity leave. My mom is flying up to help during the first month. Dad will be here in December for Xmas.

We bought a house and closed at the end of June. Sam pretty much did all the moving himself. Then he went off to Juneau for six weeks for graduate school. So proud of him! It was hard those six weeks but we got through.

Life is good and I am happy...

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

18 February 2012 @ 07:54 pm

Life off of meds = torture

It really, really sucks.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

07 November 2011 @ 07:33 am

Trying not to kill my husband with laser beams shooting from my eyes at the moment.

If you've listened to my voiceposts...you'll know he works 2 jobs now, and often works 7 days a week. He had one week off substitute teaching already and also has taken days off here and there.

Anyway, he was working last night at his night job (merchandizing for coca-cola) and he calls me to tell me he is getting off work (around 1-1:30am) and that he is going to go visit the "Occupy Anchorage" protestors downtown because he's "curious to see what it is all about.

At 1:30am...he's curious...to see...what...it's all...about...

Even though he is taking Monday off and can easily visit the protestors...during the day.

I'm fighting off a cold and really just wanted to go back to sleep so I said okay and konked out.

He comes home around 4:30am and informs me that his car got towed when he was downtown. Apparently, he found a primo parking spot right next to the protestors and did not see the sign that stated "No parking from 2:30am to 6:00am Oct-May." Why no parking during this time? Snow plows...snow plows need to plow the over a foot of snow on the ground.

Oh yeah, did I mention he decided to do this when there was a foot of snow on the ground and more coming down from the heavens?

So, then he tells me this whole story about the injustice of his car getting towed. And that he needs me to take him to pick it up in the morning. Usually, I wake-up about 1 hour before needing to be at work...and it will take well over an hour to go back and forth to downtown and back to my work...because of the ass ton of snow on the ground and it being rush hour.

And I live 10 minutes from work...great. Of course, I have to say yes because I married him and its my job as a wife.

So then, he goes, "I hope it doesn't cost a lot." Of course it is going to cost a lot...its going to cost hundreds of dollars to get your car released...because you decided to go exploring at 1:30am...

Whatever...I couldn't sleep at all because I was so angry and because the cats were all amped up from him coming home at 4:30am.

Did I mention I'm sick...like really not well but I don't want to not go to work because I don't have much time accrued for leave.

04 November 2011 @ 04:59 pm
634K 3:48
(no transcription available)

Here is the second part of my pixel_trade Rainbow Challenge.

*All downloads include a bodyshop picture of the sim.

Generation Red

Poppy from the Purple Generation mated with Frank Cretto, who is the child of a pixel_trade genetics experiment. He can be found: HERE

Offspring w/DownloadsCollapse )

Generation Orange

Coral married Octavio by needlecream and he can be found: Here.

Offspring w/downloadsCollapse )

Generation Black & White

I couldn't just end it there...I wanted to squeak out one more generation. So, I went with b/w as a theme.

Sable married Jericho by stakeit_uk and he can be found Here.

Offspring w/downloadsCollapse )

I'm very happy with how all my beautiful sims have turned out. I especially loved Millie and Mizela from the b/w generation.

Thank you for looking!
02 October 2011 @ 06:49 pm

I have completed a Rainbow Legacy made up of pixel_trade sims.

Here are partial results...(more to come later). All downloads include a Bodyshop photo of the packaged sim.

I started with Yellow.

My founder is my sim: Zoey Mink was given a make-over and renamed "Ofira" (Hebrew for Gold).

Her partner was Kermes Kohler-Wielles by bondchick_nett

Their Offspring w/ downloadsCollapse )

Green Generation:

Meadow partnered with radiationpoison's Carter O'brien

Their Offspring w/ downloadsCollapse )

Blue Generation

Indigo partnered with katu_sims Chaucer Tellerbee

Their Offspring w/ downloadsCollapse )

Generation Purple

Lilac partnered first with Warren Golding by pinkberet. He died and she then partnered with Eli made by hjsnapepm.

Their Offspring w/ downloadsCollapse )

Stay tuned for more!
25 June 2011 @ 02:41 am
So, like a million years ago I agreed to go to my friend Sarah L's bachlorette party.

It was an evite.

Then Sam tells me we are having dinner with his mother the same night and of course family first so I put it in my head that I can't go after all.

Then Sam tells me that the dinner is cancelled.

But by this time, I've put the party out of my mind all together.

Tonight after work, I call my friend Wendy up who I adore but almost never ever see...I mean, I've known her for years but have only hung out with her three times. I totally love this gal...she's amazing. I go to her place and we sit out in the sun and drink sangrias and talk for literally...HOURS.

I go inside to check my purse and there are five hundred texts from friends "Where are you? Why aren't' you at the party? We miss you. Did you forget about us?"

Now I feel like a total bitch for forgetting about the party but I also don't regret not going because I got to spend time with Wendy.

I don't know what to do...I am seriously crazy guilty. I feel bad about not going...because people were expecting me and obviously wanted me there.

I think I'll email Sarah tomorrow and apologize for not being able to make it and that I hope we can have dinner soon.

These friends, I used to work with them...and I only see them about once every two or three months. And they never attend any of my functions or go out with me otherwise. It is always a planned dinner with them.

Anyway...advice or whatever is appreciated.
23 June 2011 @ 12:26 am
A.) Post ten Twelve of any pictures currently on your hard drive that you think are self-expressive.

B.) NO CAPTIONS! It must be like we're speaking with images and we have to interpret your visual language just like we have to interpret your words.

C.) They must ALREADY be on your hard drive -- no googling or flickr! They have to have been saved to your folders sometime in the past. They must be something you've saved there because it resonated with you for some reason.

D.) You do NOT have to answer any questions about any of your pictures if you don't want to. You can make them as mysterious as you like. Or you can explain them away as much as you like.